Another birthday whooshes by and tick tock, there goes the media drip-feeding childless women their stream of procreative nag. Hurry, you’ve only half a dozen eggs left (and those are probably a bit iffy). But make sure you’ve got a supportive partner and cash in the bank and four walls of your own and a career that leaves the door open, okay? And get ready for Jolly Hard Work and for the decimation of your body / sleep / relationships / bank balance etc.
In light of this depressive postnatal outlook, I ask: Why should we?
Because it’s so FULFILLING, they say. It’s so REWARDING.
And that’s all we get. No intelligent ballast against the rising tide of toil that these small bundles are said to demand.
Likewise, my contemporaries who have cultivated wee ones are not hugely informative. Invariably they tell me how GREAT being a mum is, but in the spirit of the Facebook soundbite I never truly find out why.
All this gives me a negatively skewed perception of the whole breeding thing which leaves me wondering why the hell they do it.
So, I posed my dearest and most fertile friends a question. What is it about motherhood which rocks their world? And damn, do these women love talking about their bairns! They replied fully and frankly about their experiences of raising children, who range between 3 weeks and 6 years old. Not one of them told me to butt out. A few apologised for gushing, which may explain why they typically hold their tongues about the upsides of motherhood.
Using a totally unscientific approach, their stories became my data. I identified ten common themes and report most of what they said verbatim. I try to bridge the interplanetary gap between pre- and post-child worlds, and aim to reveal just what drives mothers to do their thing.
- Pure Crazy Love
By far the largest and loudest messages focused on a ubiquitous feeling of Pure Crazy Love. Whilst this most visceral of notions does not fit neatly within the rational frame of reason and logic, my respondents managed to convey the elation of being a mum. These women have been emotionally ambushed by some heavenly version of happiness that I don’t pretend to understand. If these words came from those without babes in arms, you might look for signs of either class A-use or personality disorder. Call it hormones, oxytocin, instinct, whatever; these women are seriously Loved Up. This is what they said.
Your heart is so full of love it feels like someone is squeezing it! That love carries you through pain, tiredness, frustration and beyond.
It's weird but I can honestly say there was just feeling of love towards him at every point, even when he was screaming.
A huge one for me is just how lovely and satisfying hanging out with your child is. Cuddling, holding, playing with, and possibly most of all, breastfeeding your child feels wonderful. It is quite like being in romantic love or a warm sunshiny lying-in-a-field feeling.
For some, this love-kidnap happens as soon as baby arrives:
When your baby is born you fall so powerfully head-over-heels in love that it is actually a physical feeling. I can remember it to this day. I was lying in the intensive care, drips everywhere, in so much pain and T. was placed on me and I felt this overwhelming tingle that started at the tips of my toes and washed slowly up and over my entire body that it actually made me shudder. It was such a physical feeling of love and I had never experienced anything so powerful. And that feeling stays with you forever. Every time you look at them - even when you've had sleepless nights or you can't stop them crying - the wash of love is there as you smile at their grumpy little face.
For others it built up gradually:
It's hard to understand how much you're going to love your children. This is true even when they're not so good at interacting, but even more now when W. gives me a hug or says 'mama'. Certain studies show that your average happiness is unchanged by children, but whereas the lows after having them are boring and mundane (more housework, nappies etc), the highs are amazing.
If I’m not mistaken, all this sounds very much like infatuation:
Much of the time you won't really want to think about or talk about anyone else.
Your child becomes the centre of your universe.
And it ain’t no fly-by-night crush:
Unlike being in love with another adult, it is a feeling guaranteed to last the rest of your life.
Did you know that every family is headed by a sword-wielding, flame-throwing, kung-fu heroine? Neither did they – they said that having children gives you a package of new instincts you never thought you would have. Bonus!
You would do ANYTHING for them - and I mean die for them.
It's somehow exhilarating to feel that if a madman with a knife was heading toward your child, IN A MILLISECOND you would throw yourself in front of assailant and die for your child (and weirder still is that you actually daydream about these scenarios). No questions, no debate, no thinking about it, no weighing up the options. Although you might think you feel like this now about your parents or your partner or your friends, it's not even close to the automatic sacrifice reflex you will have for your child. In a day-to-day way, this takes all kinds of forms while juggling bags of groceries or standing on a crowded bus- but the upshot is, you won't mind experiencing pain or inconvenience or hassle if it makes your child happy. Again, this feeling of selflessness is exhilarating in a way that's hard to explain.
But should it come to that, it’s well worth all the fight. For kids are all-round life-enhancers:
When everything is shitty, H. makes it better. I know that if I didn’t have him, I would be struggling a lot more to cope with what life throws at you but he gives me reason to keep positive and happy.
I also discovered a secret maternal hobby: SLEEPWATCHING.
I am not sure why but you can watch them sleep for hours and you would forgive them anything in that moment even if they have been terrors throughout the day.
I guess in the early weeks it's the overwhelming cuteness that a newborn baby oozes - I could just watch him for hours, not doing anything in particular, but just being him.
In advanced mum-Olympics, when kids talk more and nap less, I’m told that another pastime is trying to beat them at the 'but why?' game. Brilliant!
2. Reciprocation
Not only does the mother-love dial go right up to 11, it seems it’s blasted right back at them.
Every morning when I wake up, no matter how exhausted I am or sore or stressed or cranky, I see E's little face poking up out of her bed and I just want to weep with happiness. I am sooo happy to see her every morning. And she smiles back at me in exactly the same way.
Seeing someone love you with the same heart-squeezing feeling. Z. telling me almost every day that I’m beautiful is SO cool, and the best has to be “Mummy I love you so much I could punch you”!
3. Enhanced relationships
Babies put untold strains on relationships, the papers warn. Separations peak when the child is two, they say. But from what my people said, sharing all this gloriousness mainly enhances it:
Watching your husband being a father is amazing.
In my experience, having a child will ultimately bring you closer to your partner, because you both share the same feelings of Crazy Love for the same little person.
You are also aware that you made that amazing person with your other favourite person in the world!
In some ways having a baby has made our relationship even better than it was before, though in other ways we have to work harder to make time for each other and don't always succeed.
Seeing something that S. and I created grow, develop, make us laugh, make us cry, give us love is just out of this world.
Other relationships benefit too:
The new understanding it gives you of your relationship with your own parents.
Your relationship with your own parents and family will completely change, in ways that are hard to predict. In my experience, all good.
I always think of the future too, having grown up in a big family I want to be able to repeat this and make my own family and give them the love and happiness I have had.
4. Becoming part of the community
The mighty mama-love permeates the world outside and connects mothers to extended family, friends, neighbours and strangers. New friends are made and random acts of kindness abound:
When you do manage to get out of the house with a child, you will be amazed at how many smiles you collect from strangers. Having a child connects you to most of the rest of humanity- suddenly, grumpy immigration officials or your boss or the woman at the bank will want to talk to you about your kid and compare notes with you about their children. You feel part of this huge biological, social, cultural web, especially when you travel to nonwestern countries where they make no bones about loving children.
Friends and family and neighbours suddenly start coming out of the woodwork and doing lovely favours for you. My old uni friend sent me two huge boxes of wonderful hand-me-downs from her son, out of the blue- total postage cost $150! Another friend will insist on babysitting for an evening while you go out for an anniversary dinner, a neighbour you hardly speak to will pop round with a new teddy bear.
5. Heredity
So this is why people argue about whether baby looks like cute big sister or beardy Uncle Jack – it looks like ALL of them at some point! I guess seeing yourself and your partner all mixed up in one face has got to be pretty wonderful (though there’s probably an app for it out there).
You think: My God, that's my DNA in there! Every day another relative will pop out of the little face- the baby might have your sister's smile, your father's forehead, your cousin's scowl...and it's great.
You pick out each other’s features/characteristics and you marvel at how your love made a whole new person.
6. Watching the process of learning and development
Some of my friends are in psychology. Some are in sales. No matter, they’re all lapping up that developmental data..
If you're a linguist, it is eternally fascinating to watch the child acquire language. I have to hold myself back from posting things like "Today we discovered syllable codas! Wooo!"
I love watching him grow and develop, and I find myself wondering what he’s thinking, and what’s going on in that little brain, all those neurons making connections.
It’s really interesting having a child. Obviously, I'm interested in their development, and it's great to see W. experimenting with objects or learning to walk. I'm very much looking forward to his talking.
7. The most important job in the world
Being a parent entails being a teacher/ nurse/ tailor/ cleaner/ hairdresser/ actor/ taxi-driver/ mountain-rescuer. That’s a whole load of job satisfaction..
Seeing what you do, say and teach impacting on another person and the feeling of responsibility is joyous. Knowing that only you can keep this little person alive makes you feel like superwoman!
When they hurt themselves and only you will do ('I want my Mummy!')
There will be so many rewarding moments as he grows up, and I can say that I've helped him along the way. I don't want it to sound like a project, but in a way I guess it is, working each day to nurture a child that can one day leave the nest and become independent. Part of my wanting to be a mum is selfish, but part is also to give another person a chance to experience life. I know it's not all rosy, but I hope I can help make it as rosy as possible.
8. Fun and novelty
Now I know that doing cool stuff like going to zoos and farms isn’t just for families, but sometimes feel a bit odd to be the only four-legged family on site. Children are the perfect passport for a whole world of fun, a great excuse for childish behaviour, and a legitimate reason for a noisy messy happy house.
You rediscover the most simple joys in life - making a snowman, swinging on the swings, feeding the ducks, jumping in muddy puddles - all things you could do anyway, but had stopped.
I have friends who think that having a baby prevents you from doing the things you love to do. Not at all - we're still doing everything we used to and I. comes with us! Maybe it's just us but having a baby isn't a burden and we don't want to have any time off!
We were slightly apprehensive about going on honeymoon with H. but our two weeks away was the best holiday ever and he made it so much better! Seeing him loving every moment and getting so much attention from all the staff and other guests was so great. He was famous on our resort.
Every day brings something new - a different expression, a different food to try, a new trip out, meeting people you wouldn’t normally mix with (good & bad!)
9. Cutting the crap
Childrearing is hard work, but it’s good hard work. Without exception, these women enthused about their lives and whether they’re full-time mums or splitting their time between work and family, they cherish time at home. Overtime and the unnecessary social obligations seem to melt away once kids come along.
As soon as I became pregnant, I slowed the work side of things down and did what I had to do but no more. Last year made me realise how my life and the people closest to me are most important and that I don't have to take on a hundred responsibilities in order to enjoy my job or keep me occupied. I. has definitely made me realise that as much as I love my job, I will not sacrifice the time I spend with her for it.
10. They are the most entertaining person who ever lived
Kids are funny, but who knew that (one’s own) children hold the secret of comedy?
Once the child gets to be a few months old, they become HILARIOUS. Just watching the little nipper smushing a strawberry all over his/her face or being totally absorbed with a sock or whatever will make you laugh no matter what mood you're in. And it just gets funnier and funnier the older they get.
Lots of laughter (most of the time at them, not with them).
When he smiles and laughs it makes me smile and laugh in a way no adult can make me.
***
So there I have it. Ten wonderful, complex rewards for giving all that they have to a brand new person. Authentic, intimate stories to smash the nine circles of hell that the media warn us about. It sounds like an outright madness from the outside, and I feel like a flatland dweller trying to imagine the Himalayas. In any sane, childless world these comments could come from the lips of obsessive stalkers, wacked-out hippies and nitwits. I guess you have to be there to really get it.
Of course, my mothers also told me what doesn’t rock, but that’s another story and one which for now, I’ll leave to the press. These downsides appear on our screens and pages because they are easy to quantify: you can expect to lose x hours sleep and gain xkg on the hips; you’ll spend £x on childcare and risk x% decrease in the quality of your relationship. As I was reminded, we are not so great at writing about emotions – it’s a woolly business and it doesn’t sell papers.
I also think that we don’t often get to hear all this positivity because many people are just not concerned with it, and mothers are sensitive to this (damn hyper-empathetic creatures!).
In writing this, I’ve come to realise that childbearing is not really a why question – it’s not something that can be intellectualised. By my asking about it in this way suggests I am years from getting myself up the duff. I was told again and again how hard it is to put a finger on exactly what makes it rock. So thank you to my honest and open mama-friends for describing the indescribable.
